That Crazy Weather..

Beyond sights, smells, and sounds. Weather makes me the most nostalgic. I find that very interesting. The weather outside right now makes me crave you, and everything about you. I have insane flashbacks of getting of the bus and walking to your house in this weather, and it feels like it was so so long ago. Well, it was. I was in high school. Sophomore year. That was a pretty good year. No break ups, no games, just dating. You & I. Girlfriend & boyfriend. It’s insane to even think about. Though that was only four years ago, it feels like a lifetime. Nothing is the same. Nothing will ever be the same. I will never feel like how I did while walking though town with my best friends, to get to your house. The way your room felt when I walked in. The way the cool, clean air felt, and the sun came through the windows. The way I always had to wake you up. How we would just be together all day. No worries, no disruptions. No inconveniences. Just you and I, together. Neither of us are those same people. We never will be. I don’t have to walk to your house after getting off the school bus anymore. I don’t even have a school bus anymore. I don’t have those friends anymore, and neither do you. This weather is bittersweet. I love it, because it reminds me of you. But i also despise it for the same reason. It makes me so unbelievably sad. Because all I want when it’s like this is to walk into your room, wake you up, and just love you. Unconditionally. Without anything, or anybody, getting in the way. And that’s just a long lost dream now. I love you. I miss you. Always and Forever<3

In February 1968, Johnny Cash proposed to June Carter onstage during a live performance. A week later, they were married. June wore a short light blue lace dress, with light blue flowers in her hair, and carried red roses. Johnny wore a black suit with a red rose in his lapel.
They had a 35 year marriage.
On May 15th 2003, June died from complications from heart valve surgery. Johnny was holding her hand while she passed. Four months later, he followed her.
They are now buried next to each other at Henderson Memory Gardens in Tennessee.

"Love is a burnin' thing
And it makes a fiery ring.
Bound by wild desire
I fell into a ring of fire"

Big?

"Did I really love Big? Or was I just addicted to the pain? The exquisite pain of wanting someone so unattainable."

Big & Carrie. Six plus years of hardships pulled through til the end. Everything they put each other through, they went right back to each other. Images of happy-ever-after's-in-their-own way plastered across my television set everyday. Why? Why Big? What made the writers of the show want to put the
star of the show with him? It's realistic. In the real world, woman love the asshole's. It's common knowledge. Why have the attractive, sweet, caring Aiden when Big is so mysterious and hard to get?
I want the love, minus the pain and hardship. But is that even possible? In my head, no. But is that just put there by my situation? Does a real relationship have to go through extreme up and down's in order to be real? Would a "normal" relationship just be too easy for me? Do I look for the challenges? Would I ever be able to have a real relationship after this?
I no longer look at cheating as bad. I look at it as normal. That's terrible. When someone says they've been cheated on, or they themselves have cheated, I don't have a reaction. I have no emotion to this. I've seen it and experienced it too much to think of it as any less than normal. Is this the real me, am I that cynical? I truly hope not. I need to find myself again.

You've destroyed me.
Broke me down.
Battered and useless.
Unable to concentrate.
Unable to manage.
Unable to cope.

Backtracking.

I have never before in my life been stressed exactely. Upset, yes. Despressed even, yes. But never stressed. College is taking a toll on me to the point where my physical wwell being is being effected. I was so stressed and depressed the other night I couldn't even move. I was sore. Breathing hurt. This is scary to me. it has never happened to me before. I get headaches almost everyday, and am not on a daily pill for them after today. School is wearing on me. Not even the academic portion, either. Granted, right now I am very swamped with work to do, this doesn't even compare to the emotional ware this has had on my well being. I do not like it there. I do not like the people there. Everyone else is making friends besides me. I don't click. I'm not into the party scene. I don't want to go out every night. That would not be fun to me. Therefore, I feel as if I am losing my best friend. I'm always in my room on in the library by myself. It's starting to get to me. What's so wrong with me that no one there likes me? Why don't people want me to be involved in anything they're doing. Taylor invites me sometimes, yeah, but that wouldn't be fun for me. To go out with a group of girls that are already great friends while they smoke. I would be so uncomfortable. I don't know what to do with myself when I am there. I normally just sleep, do homework, or talk on the phone to people at home and wish I was there. I also do not like the city. Especially not Oakland. I do not like this "college town."

Then there's the whole I don't know what I'm doing with my life aspect. I can feel people judging me whenever I try to explain to them my stress over this topic. They don't understand. They tell me I have time, they tell me I'm young. But they don't understand. They don't understand that before going there, I was set on my ways for years. Psychology was my thing. I've always been interested. Then just one day out of the blue, I wake up and realize that I may not be able to do this. People may not be my thing. Not that I don't believe I could help them or that I'm not a people person, I just don't think I'd be able to do it right. A psychologist, to me, feels like way too much responsibility. I feel that I would not be able to help people as much as they need it. I don't want to let people down. I seem to be good at doing that, so maybe helping people isn't my way to go.
If I do work with people, I believe it should be children. Be it in psychology or even education. Something with children would be great.
But what I truely want to do is do something, anything with animals. I'm not sure about the vet thing yet, though that would be amazing. I don't know if I'd be smart enought to do it. However, I know i feel a great deal of emotion and care for animals and I know I would be excellent working with them.
I honestly just don't know though. This has been one of the main causes of my stress. I just want my life to be laid out for me. I hate this feeling of being unsure about everything. Really, right now, my life is a complete mess. I can't think through anything. That thinking problem is back where I just can't think critically enough. I can't think. I just can't. I don't even know how to explain it out. Even in a blog, to myself. It hurts. Everything hurts.

Truth.

"Sunday night. An evening not to be trusted. On any other night when you don't see a rock show, you find yourself at home with more time on your hands than you know what to do with. You probably went out pretty hard Friday and Saturday night so you tell yourself Sunday is the night you can lay on your couch, right? Sometimes it’s easier to go out than stay home and lay on your couch because when you stay home and lay on your couch and drink chamomile tea you have to face the facts. That there are people in this world that you can not have, but you still want. That even what you want is selective, when you do select to want that person it feels like you have wanted them forever and will want them forever. And there in lies the difficulty and this song I'm about to play for you is about just that. It's about saying I cannot back up what I feel twenty-four hours of the day, but right now you are the only thing I need. And this is what I call riding the edge--surfing the edge as I do in my life constantly. Surfing the edge of desire."

-John Mayer at his show in Pittsburgh. Right before playing "Edge Of Desire" as his encore of the night. 08/01/10.

The only Exception.